In my negative li’l life, I am forever being told off for
being such a pessimist. I always choose not to look on the bright side of life
so I won’t be disappointed if the worst case scenario is to arise. But it’s the secret optimist within me who chooses to live like this because if the worst does happen, I’m allowed myself a happily smug
“I told you so” moment. I live for that grey area of Optimistic Pessimism ("hey, isn't that the name of your blog, Whoopass?". Why yes, yes it is).
My one true talent is being able to make a negative out of a
positive. If somebody tells me I’m funny, I immediately think funny strange,
not funny humorous. However, I have always been able to turn this skill upside
down & find a positive in every negative. That drunk in the corner of the
pub who pisses himself might be such a tragedy that he does this to himself
every day, but even with that stench he is still the heart & soul of the
pub & everybody knows him. He too is that grey area of Optimistic Pessimism.
Not everything is always as black & white as being negative
or positive & I take great pleasure in paddling around in the grey. It’s for this
reason that I personally am not entirely offended by comments such as “your
intelligence is very sexy” (yes, I’ve had this!), & neither should you be.
To many, this type of back-handed compliment could be offensive.
Ignoring every aspect of a person’s appearance to focus on a quirk of their
personality could seem a bit... Well, we’ve all been told that if we can’t say
anything nice, we shouldn’t say anything at all, right? Right! And completely
bypassing somebody’s looks may well feel to them that this is exactly what you’re
doing.
To some, however, these remarks couldn’t be further from
insulting. Sure, it’s always nice to be complimented on your eyes/smile/face/boobs/bum/legs/figure/physique/part
of body or face that every other human being has, but comments made on your
personality – i.e. something one-of-a-kind that only you have – mean so much
more as they’re more personal & instantly seem more genuine.
During my school years (& before I became The One with
the Piercings or The One Who Gets Her Norks Out), I was The One with the Sense of Humour. I was always friends
with the boys but never had a boyfriend. I was outspoken, hard to embarrass, had
a mouth like a hairy arsed docker & was far too often “one of the lads”, which was lots
of fun but when you’re 15 & feel like you’re going to die a virgin because
no boy will ever look at you like that,
it’s pretty miserable. I mean, you can’t shag witty quips however euphemistic
the term “witty quips” might sound!
All I wanted to be was The One with The
Killer Figure or The One Everyone Wants to Bang. I saw the way I wanted to be
as the white & the way I actually was as the black. Black & white.
Wrong & right.
It’s taken me many years to accept this – and I wish I could’ve
done this back then to have been a “happy” teenager (!?) – but, really, this worked out for the best. Granted, it might have given me *ahem* slight body image issues but I am only human, after all. The
important part is that these things have taught me how to be realistic &
not beat myself up about negative comments or become arrogant because of
positive ones, but just to accept the grey.
That killer figure I wanted? That would’ve just disappeared when
I became a student anyway & lived on ready meals & cheap bottles of plonk. And
being the school bike? That was sure to have ended in Chlamydia. But that gob I
was known for? That has & will always be mine; it will never be anyone else’s.
It might not always be the best or worst but it’s my own & it’s what others
know/like/recognise me for.
Sometimes it’s easier said than done to think in this way &
the “if only I’d have known this then” hindsight gubbins is a fucking fucker, but wouldn’t
it be nice if we were all able to think like this more often? To not instantly sulk
over the darkness of these back-handed compliments or even
celebrate the swollen heads they may bring on, but to just accept that proud shade
of grey that is simply us.
Back-handed compliments are more often than not just
observations that are meant neither positively nor negatively, so just accept
them. Grey is the new the new black & it’d be wonderful if the whole world
could wear it as fabulously as I do, dahlink.
...And before we start thinking that I, Akannah Whoopass: Moany Queen of the “The Diet Starts Tomorrow” Rant, have seen the light
& accepted my physical flaws into that grey area, we can think again.
I might be happy in my own head but I’m still not happy in
my own skin. But isn’t this just normal? We all have demons to sleigh in that department,
even if they’re invisible to others. And if we don’t? Well, if you’re one of
those fortunate (fictional?) people who are perfect (arrogant?) enough to be
completely happy in your appearance, you probably have that weird
bigger-than-your-big-toe toe thing going on in the privacy of your shoes. Or you
have Daddy issues. Or you’re just a birrova twat.
No comments:
Post a Comment