I always thought that I was more creative & complex than to sum up
my views with a line from an advertising campaign, but it would appear that I’m
unfortunately not so original. As it turns out, I’m just a normal &
slightly dull woman whose feelings can indeed be condensed into one tagline,
which is purely this: “Lose weight for
the last time”.
Ever since I was an angsty teenager with the fastest mood swings this side of the Pennines, I’ve constantly been on one fad diet or another that has promised to make me so firm that I actually become a stone statue; Atkins, Slim Fast, Weight Watchers, that sodding Special K cereal diet, & more successfully, the Slimming World Food Optimising plan.
Ever since I was an angsty teenager with the fastest mood swings this side of the Pennines, I’ve constantly been on one fad diet or another that has promised to make me so firm that I actually become a stone statue; Atkins, Slim Fast, Weight Watchers, that sodding Special K cereal diet, & more successfully, the Slimming World Food Optimising plan.
My handfuls of squish have got smaller, my handfuls of
squish have got bigger, but now – after a few half-arsed months of being back
at Fat Club & only managing to shift a measly 6.5lbs since July (I hear
every one of your “I shit a pound!” comments. I know, I know) – I have put my
foot down & have decided to “lose weight for the last time” just like the skinny
tarts in the clichéd Weight Watchers ads told me to...
Only this time I’m going to do it the normal way.
Now, I know that “normal” could mean a million & one different things & to a million & one different people – especially when it comes to weight issues – so I’d like us all to agree that normal simply means standard, usual, average, typical, & more to the point, real.
Unlike many bigfatfatties as I affectionately call the lardy ladies I am one of, I’ve never had an illness that had caused me to gain weight, I’ve never had a demanding career that had meant having unhealthy eating patterns, I’ve never had any family traumas that had caused me to comfort eat more than the regular sulker (hi there!) does, & I’ve never had children that had left me with the acceptable excuse of “baby weight”. Basically, I’ve never had a reason to justify my curves; I just got squishy the normal way by being human & having bad habits. My bum grew because I ate too much & exercised too little like any normal bum would under these conditions, & this very same bum is going to shrink back down the normal way too.
Similarly, my weight gain/loss/re-gain/re-loss/re-gain & body confidence issues are quite normal too. I don't have the weight the equivalent of an entire person to lose like those Jerry Springer cases we’ve all seen, so, although I do have a good few stone to shift to reach a “healthy” BMI, my weight loss goals are pretty normal. And as I'm not so shy that I do the whole hiding my flesh beneath unflatteringly baggy black clothing thing, the body hang-ups I have are also very normal.
My current aim is to simply drop a dress size to get myself out of the “plus size” bracket, & my ultimate aim is for my enormous wrestler-like arms to become slim & feminine once again so as I don’t have to hide them under shapeless shrugs while I’m wearing my otherwise rather flattering shapewear – both fairly normal targets to reach.
Only this time I’m going to do it the normal way.
Now, I know that “normal” could mean a million & one different things & to a million & one different people – especially when it comes to weight issues – so I’d like us all to agree that normal simply means standard, usual, average, typical, & more to the point, real.
Unlike many bigfatfatties as I affectionately call the lardy ladies I am one of, I’ve never had an illness that had caused me to gain weight, I’ve never had a demanding career that had meant having unhealthy eating patterns, I’ve never had any family traumas that had caused me to comfort eat more than the regular sulker (hi there!) does, & I’ve never had children that had left me with the acceptable excuse of “baby weight”. Basically, I’ve never had a reason to justify my curves; I just got squishy the normal way by being human & having bad habits. My bum grew because I ate too much & exercised too little like any normal bum would under these conditions, & this very same bum is going to shrink back down the normal way too.
Similarly, my weight gain/loss/re-gain/re-loss/re-gain & body confidence issues are quite normal too. I don't have the weight the equivalent of an entire person to lose like those Jerry Springer cases we’ve all seen, so, although I do have a good few stone to shift to reach a “healthy” BMI, my weight loss goals are pretty normal. And as I'm not so shy that I do the whole hiding my flesh beneath unflatteringly baggy black clothing thing, the body hang-ups I have are also very normal.
My current aim is to simply drop a dress size to get myself out of the “plus size” bracket, & my ultimate aim is for my enormous wrestler-like arms to become slim & feminine once again so as I don’t have to hide them under shapeless shrugs while I’m wearing my otherwise rather flattering shapewear – both fairly normal targets to reach.
As it stands, I don’t know whether it’ll take me 7lbs or 7 stone to achieve
these goals but I know that if I want to hit them realistically without making
myself & those around me miserable with my cravings for grease &
excuses of “I can’t, I’m on a diet”, I’ve got to be honest with myself. Something
that many dieters – myself included – usually prefer not to do. (No, love. The
scales are not wrong).
When I’ve started diets in the past I’ve tried to become a perfect weight-watching Super(wo)man who has no reason for being other than to exercise & who certainly doesn’t have any Sunday Morning McBreakfasts habits to kick. Needless to say, after a week or so, I’ve almost always thrown in the towel because my life had become nothing more than a set of restrictive rules that had left me feeling thoroughly rotten... And hungry! But now that I’m an official Slimming World (*cough* for the second time after re-gaining the two stone I originally lost there the first time *cough*) weight-watcher with a relatively realistic diet to follow, I plan to do it properly: I plan to do it normally.
No longer will I kid myself that I’ll exercise every day, because sometimes I just can’t be arsed to. Never again will I claim to throw away the take-away menus, because that craving for beautifully calorific pizza will still remain. Not once more will I turn down a perfectly good pudding for fruit just because “I’m on a diet”, because fruit never has been & never will be an adequate dessert replacement, a fact that I am willing to fight to the death about.
When I’ve started diets in the past I’ve tried to become a perfect weight-watching Super(wo)man who has no reason for being other than to exercise & who certainly doesn’t have any Sunday Morning McBreakfasts habits to kick. Needless to say, after a week or so, I’ve almost always thrown in the towel because my life had become nothing more than a set of restrictive rules that had left me feeling thoroughly rotten... And hungry! But now that I’m an official Slimming World (*cough* for the second time after re-gaining the two stone I originally lost there the first time *cough*) weight-watcher with a relatively realistic diet to follow, I plan to do it properly: I plan to do it normally.
No longer will I kid myself that I’ll exercise every day, because sometimes I just can’t be arsed to. Never again will I claim to throw away the take-away menus, because that craving for beautifully calorific pizza will still remain. Not once more will I turn down a perfectly good pudding for fruit just because “I’m on a diet”, because fruit never has been & never will be an adequate dessert replacement, a fact that I am willing to fight to the death about.
This time I will embrace my faults & accept that I’m only human,
then maybe this time I’ll truly be happy & healthy in my (hopefully
permanent?) weight loss with a normal attitude towards my diet & my body.
Sure, I’ll have Superhero days that see me actually eating my 5-a-day of fruit
& veg rather than five custard creams with every mug of tea I glug, but
when I don’t at least I’ll be able to tell myself that this is normal, for I am
normal & this is just a Normal Woman’s Normal Weight-Watch.
...Now can someone play me some heroic sounding music & turn on a
wind machine to glamorously swish my hair while I make my dramatic exit to go
& cockdrop some lard right in it’s cock? Thanks.
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